Marriage Cynic Gifts

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"I married him for his intelligence, turns out that was artificial as well!"

"It was her dying wish."

"Personally, I think marriage is the best form of birth control!"

'And will you take this man to the cleaners....'

Horrible case of Bridal Burnout.

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

"She just sent me the divorce papers, ironically I'm a divorce attorney."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

Marriage least expected to last...

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

Always Compatible

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

The Sleeping Congregation.

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th