Nuptial Cynics Gifts

"My perfect body accepts my husband's bank account until death or a very expensive divorce do us part."

Marriage least expected to last...

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

The Sleeping Congregation.

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

"The Tudballs got married by a judge. I still say a jury should have been present!"

'I know we had some good time together, Muriel, but a permanent relationship is out.'

'And will you take this man to the cleaners....'

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

Things one would rather have left unsaid - 'I will!'

'Nobody really agrees about what marriage is these days, so I'll just say 'Yadda yadda yadda.''

'And you, William Elwood Hoonavogel, are you willing to give up your free range status?'

"Martha, are you sure you're not marrying me for money?"

Marriage Exit Strategy

"She married him because he was the only man she met who was worth divorcing."

Stay Tuned

Food Science Lab. There's jealousy among the peanut butter molecules. "Smooth" does out all the time and "chunky" can't get a date.

"You said your pictures were recent."

"OK, but I'll have to run it by my husband."

Punch Card: 'The next divorce is on me.'

"I married him for his intelligence, turns out that was artificial as well!"

Knife splits newly weds on wedding cake

'Surprised she's getting married again. In lieu of wedding gifts, she's asking for donations to help retain a divorce lawyer.'

'You want me to investigate your wife? That's a coincidence, she was just in here asking me to investigate you!'

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

'Do you promise to love,honor and cherish -- until one of you decides to become a 'free agent'?'

'I wonder if there's a state where no marriages are recognized.'

"It worries me that you keepreferring to our honeymoon as our 'honeymoon period.'"

My worst nightmare is to be a trophy wife. We're on the same page. My worst nightmare is marriage.

'I do. Just don't let it go to your head.'

Just married.

"Are you in a relationship?"