Nuptial Realist Gifts

It's hard not to be bitter the second time around.

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"We'll always have Paris..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

"You owe me five bucks."

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

Tunnel of Love/Tunnel of Marriage

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"...until death do you a favor."

'All I want for Valentine's Day is a Greek fisherman's cap.'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"You're calling it love, but it's really just static electricity."

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

Marriage least expected to last...

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

'....Till death do you part, don't say I didn't warn you.'

'I'd like your permission to enter into pre-nuptial negotiations...'

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

A Zircon Is Forever

"What's this for poorer stuff?"