Marital Realist Gifts

The End is Near...You Wish.

"... And the only time he takes me out, is to bring me here!"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"We'll always have Paris..."

"You owe me five bucks."

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

Tunnel of Love/Tunnel of Marriage

"...until death do you a favor."

'All I want for Valentine's Day is a Greek fisherman's cap.'

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"You're calling it love, but it's really just static electricity."

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

Marriage least expected to last...

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"And there was I thinking you'd been Beta tested."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

'I'd like your permission to enter into pre-nuptial negotiations...'

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

A Zircon Is Forever

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'If you really loved me you would have bought me flowers.'

"My computer just texted me."