Marriage Realist Gifts

"I never meant to hurt you."

Lawyer walks down aisle with lengthy contract. Minister says: 'Now, let us sing together, Here Comes the Pre-nup.'

'Don't touch it. That's my wife talking to me.'

'Everybody is not having great sex all the time! Ask my husband.'

"Now that that's over, let me tell you what I'm really like"

'But dear, you always said you didn't care where we went on our honeymoon.'

"The insurance company raised our deductible. They figured you'd have already killed me by now."

"Look—let's just get past today, O.K.?"

"Sheesh! With these expenses it would be cheaper just to bury you and get a new husband!"

"I've shot withering looks at him for years, but nothing like THIS has ever happened!"

"So this is what 'for richer, for poorer' looks like."

"....After 'So long as we both do live', we'd like to ass 'or we get fed up with each other'."

'I was an idiot when I married you.'

'I'm switching to another provider,dear.'

'We're looking for a minister who recognizes that relationships have a built in obsolesces.'

'I'm not complaining, Walter -- I just thought marriage would be more interactive.'

'I don't think it will last.'

'I see a marriage. I see your wedding night. Your husband will be a huge disappointment.'

'A lot of domestic accidents could be prevented -- take marriage, for instance....'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

How's your marriage working out? I'm considering the foreign legion...but I doubt whether they'll take her.

'Apart from that,how do you like married life?'

Cards: Wedding / You've Changed / You don't Understand Me / I'm Leaving! / I'm going for a pint!

"The wife drove me to drink but says I'll have to get a taxi back."

"Sad flick, but they found happiness at the end."

A man tries to control his wife with a remote

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"You owe me five bucks."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"...until death do you a favor."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'