Dating Realist Gifts

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

Women wanting to date me is like government debt. Because it's solid and you can count on it? No, because the rate of interest is at an all-time low! (Published previously on July 19, 2010).

'You will meet a tall, dark and handsome man, but you will dump him for a short, chubby, goofy looking doctor.'

"Are you 'Athletic, bronzed male, early thirties seeking buxom, fun-loving younger female'?"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"You owe me five bucks."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"...until death do you a favor."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"The Gross National Product and the Gross Domestic Product are doing okay. It's the Gross Domestic Mojo that's going down the toilet."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"Very Presidential."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

Girl who can't cook meets guy who can't fix stuff.

"Yes, I realize you're always available, too, but I prefer the cloud."

"The saving grace of living with someone who has AD/HD is that any arguments you have over it never last very long."