Dating Realist T-Shirts

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

'You will meet a tall, dark and handsome man, but you will dump him for a short, chubby, goofy looking doctor.'

"Are you 'Athletic, bronzed male, early thirties seeking buxom, fun-loving younger female'?"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"You owe me five bucks."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"...until death do you a favor."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

"Very Presidential."

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"The Gross National Product and the Gross Domestic Product are doing okay. It's the Gross Domestic Mojo that's going down the toilet."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

Girl who can't cook meets guy who can't fix stuff.

"I think we could be very happy here until we aren't."

"You're not sick, you're just in love." "I'd like a second opinion."

"You're the woman of one of my dreams."

"That whole internet dating thing....It killed me, I tell ya."