Nuptial Jokesters Gifts

'He's right, you know. You're not allowed to bring a date to your own wedding.'

'And you, William Elwood Hoonavogel, are you willing to give up your free range status?'

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"I'm sorry Jayne, but I've got cold feet."

Australian wedding, sheep gesturing, 'If there's anybody here who knows why these two should not be wed...'

"If I'd known, I would've changed my vows to; Until bald and fat do we part."

"Horace, what are we doing on the same cloud? Our vows said 'till death do us part.'"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

'Is this what you're looking for, dear?'

"Actually, it's customary to say 'I do' to the groom, rather than text it."

'I now pronounce you husband and wife. Let the nagging begin.'

"What are you doing in the box? You're meant to be in the dog house"

"I now pronounce you guilty."

"I hate her snoring, especially during sex."

"Tell me, have you ever been in a church prior to getting married?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife. You may assume the position.'

'I should warn you -- I don't have any tattoos.'

''Love, honor, and obey'? -- I had something less structured in mind.'

"OK, but I'll have to run it by my husband."

"I should've done this years ago. All the good ones got taken."

"For better or for worse, from pre-nuptial contract to no-fault divorce..."

'Darling...our first audit!'

'My pre-nuptial agreement reads, she's too good for me, but will marry me anyway!'

'Do you promise to love,honor and cherish -- until one of you decides to become a 'free agent'?'

In my will, I leave my credit cards to my wife.

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Let me give you some advice on marriage, Joe. . . try to think of me as the pope. . .'