Newlywed Jokester Gifts

'Darling...our first audit!'

'You may now kick the bride.'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

"I'm sorry Jayne, but I've got cold feet."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

'How should I know how things are at home, I moved into the pub a month ago.'

"If I'd known, I would've changed my vows to; Until bald and fat do we part."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

"We've only been married three years and she's already giving me gbh of the ear 'oles."

'May I leave early today, Sir? The market is down and my wife is alone...'

'Is this what you're looking for, dear?'

"It's cardio day for me and external-obliques day for Joan."

'I now pronounce you husband and wife. Let the nagging begin.'

"I hate her snoring, especially during sex."

"What are you doing in the box? You're meant to be in the dog house"

'And you, William Elwood Hoonavogel, are you willing to give up your free range status?'

'I should warn you -- I don't have any tattoos.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife. You may assume the position.'

"I now pronounce you guilty."

'This is my new husband Gregory -- I don't quite have all the bugs out of him yet.'

"Tell me, have you ever been in a church prior to getting married?"

"OK, but I'll have to run it by my husband."

"For better or for worse, from pre-nuptial contract to no-fault divorce..."

'But I've had a tiring day myself, darling!'

In my will, I leave my credit cards to my wife.

'My pre-nuptial agreement reads, she's too good for me, but will marry me anyway!'

'We believe in resolving a problem as soon as it arises.'

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Let me give you some advice on marriage, Joe. . . try to think of me as the pope. . .'

'...Love, honor, cherish, and be careful what you wish for.'