Newlywed Humor Enthusiast Gifts

'Who are you? What have you done with my husband?'

'This is your day honey, and then all the days after it are my days, okay?'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'You may now kick the bride.'

Man with lobotomy scar - "Changed my mind."

"If anyone has googled reasons that these two should not be married..."

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Erm, I don't think it meant just before the ceremony!!"

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'Do you Margaret take Charles to be your etc, etc, etc...just hit the 'I agree' button.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"His note says the bachelor party was so great, he's decided to remain a bachelor."

'And do you, Leslie Farnsworth promise to stop wearing camouflage so that your wife will know where you are?'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"Now that that's over, let me tell you what I'm really like"

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

Just married.

'May I leave early today, Sir? The market is down and my wife is alone...'

'You can't just nod. You have to say, I do. Good Lord. Are all mimes this annoying, or is it just you?'

"We've only been married three years and she's already giving me gbh of the ear 'oles."

"I'm afraid it's 'I do' ... not 'Undo'."

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

When Female Leopards Marry.

"To begin with, he ate most of the wedding cake..."

"It may surprise you to know that, contrary to your experience, you're actually very happily married."

Dog to person whose legs are sticking out of doghouse: 'Which important date did you forget this time, Jeff?'