Newlywed Humorists Gifts

'This is my new husband Gregory -- I don't quite have all the bugs out of him yet.'

'We believe in resolving a problem as soon as it arises.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

'He does.'

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

The Aisle

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"If either of you know any cause or impediment why you should not be married, INCLUDING YouTube CLIPS, declare it now."

'And by clicking on 'I Agree,' you agree to the terms and conditions...'

Australian wedding, sheep gesturing, 'If there's anybody here who knows why these two should not be wed...'

"Congratulations, dude, and you may now play tonsil hockey with the bride."

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'