Newlywed Humorist Gifts

'We had to impound it until he pays for his wedding photos."

"We've only been married three years and she's already giving me gbh of the ear 'oles."

'Now that you're hitched how about selling me your golf clubs,Sid?'

'May I leave early today, Sir? The market is down and my wife is alone...'

'On the plus side she'll be able to help you with the chores.'

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'He does.'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'