Marriage Jokesters Gifts

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

'I now pronounce you husband and wife. Let the nagging begin.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

Wind Tunnel of Love.

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"So yeah - This is my ideal first date."

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'They were all out of roses.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

Consenting Adults.

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Did you fart, sweetie?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"I'm sorry Jayne, but I've got cold feet."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'Darling, this is my ex. You know, the one I said you were twice the man of.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Maybe we'd kiss better if we had lips."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"You call that worrying?"

'Why can't you just think irrationally every once in a while?'