Married Jokesters Gifts

In my will, I leave my credit cards to my wife.

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

Einstein's T-Shirt reads: My Wife Doesn't Understand Me.

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

Wind Tunnel of Love.

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"So yeah - This is my ideal first date."

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

Consenting Adults.

"I'm sorry Jayne, but I've got cold feet."

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"If I'd known, I would've changed my vows to; Until bald and fat do we part."

'Why Walter!! Are you getting fresh?!!'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Maybe we'd kiss better if we had lips."

'Mom, would you have married Dad if you had seen him in high definition first?'

Increase Your Height.

'Is this what you're looking for, dear?'

"It's cardio day for me and external-obliques day for Joan."

"Don't like your present? Fine. Give it to me - I'll wear the diamond earrings."

'Sorry, I don't carry cash, I'm married!'

"What are you doing in the box? You're meant to be in the dog house"

"I hate her snoring, especially during sex."

'And you, William Elwood Hoonavogel, are you willing to give up your free range status?'

'I should warn you -- I don't have any tattoos.'

"Tell me, have you ever been in a church prior to getting married?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife. You may assume the position.'

'I now pronounce you husband and wife. Let the nagging begin.'

'...Love, honor, cherish, and be careful what you wish for.'

'My pre-nuptial agreement reads, she's too good for me, but will marry me anyway!'