Couple Jokesters Gifts

"Stop complaining...now when you wander off in the store, I can find you!"

'And then when we finally got the dead-wood out of our marriage, the roof fell in.'

"No father, when I say the man upstairs is angry, I mean my husband."

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

Einstein's T-Shirt reads: My Wife Doesn't Understand Me.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

Wind Tunnel of Love.

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

Extremely Practical Jokes.

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"So yeah - This is my ideal first date."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

Consenting Adults.

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

"I'm sorry Jayne, but I've got cold feet."

Man on desert island using elastic to shoot him off the island.

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

'Why Walter!! Are you getting fresh?!!'

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

"Maybe we'd kiss better if we had lips."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'