Nuptial Humorist Gifts

"Actually, it's customary to say 'I do' to the groom, rather than text it."

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

Bridesmaid holding up the Bride's dress.

'We are gathered here today to witness this merger...'

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'He does.'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'No, but thanks for asking,'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

"If either of you know any cause or impediment why you should not be married, INCLUDING YouTube CLIPS, declare it now."

The Aisle

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'