Nuptial Comedian Gifts

''Love, honor, and obey'? -- I had something less structured in mind.'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'He does.'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'No, but thanks for asking,'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"If either of you know any cause or impediment why you should not be married, INCLUDING YouTube CLIPS, declare it now."

The Aisle

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'And by clicking on 'I Agree,' you agree to the terms and conditions...'

Australian wedding, sheep gesturing, 'If there's anybody here who knows why these two should not be wed...'

"Congratulations, dude, and you may now play tonsil hockey with the bride."

"You may now kiss the bride."