Marriage Comedian Gifts

We would have come to you sooner, but he wouldn't ask for directions.

"To be honest, after our marriage I thought you might have released your inhibitions."

'So, you were unbunging the sink when your husband said...'

"And that's another thing, when did you last take me out ?"

'It's time you told your wife who's boss.' - 'I did. I said you're the boss.'

Just Married Just foolin' around,

'My wife didn't leave me after all -- She just drove to the airport to pick up her mother.'

'My husband's first name? Heck, I don't know! I call him `wimp` since we met the first time'!

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'Tell him it takes more than a text message.'

"My husband is such a hypochondriac, every disease I have he also has."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"