Marriage Comedy Gifts

"Going to the dining room is included in the ban on non-essential travel."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'No, but thanks for asking.'

His and Hers Wedding

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"You call that worrying?"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"Ah-h, her comes my better half now."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."