Marriage Comedians Gifts

'As usual...you get the glory and I get the dirty job.'

'I do what the voices in my wife's head tell me to do.'

'Well, I think I've finally gotten a handle on Jim!'

I had hoped to file a missing persons report by now, but he won't leave.

'It's not my fault you forgot to pay the electricity bill! You'll just have to settle for beans on toast...'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"Phil, honey, do you ever think about taking our relationship to the next level?"

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.

"You call that worrying?"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"I followed the money and it led me to Edgar."

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

'You've had a bad day? Try being stuck in this house!'