Wedding Cynic Gifts

"You may now kiss the bride - although it's not mandatory, or something any of us really wants to see."

'I knew the marriage wouldn't last...She brought a date to our wedding.'

"I pronounce you husband and wife and mutual detriment to each other."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

Always Compatible

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"If anyone has googled reasons that these two should not be married..."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

'Who has the rings and prenup?'

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

"Erm, I don't think it meant just before the ceremony!!"

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'Do you Margaret take Charles to be your etc, etc, etc...just hit the 'I agree' button.'

"His note says the bachelor party was so great, he's decided to remain a bachelor."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

"Now that that's over, let me tell you what I'm really like"

Love Then and Now

Just married.

'And will you take this man to the cleaners....'