Dating Cynic Gifts

'Mismatched Mantras'

'I understand you like one night stands. Feel free to stand out there in the hall all night.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

Always Compatible

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"We'll always hate Paris."

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"Love is the temporary illusion that you're not alone in the universe"