Dating Cynic Gifts

'Mismatched Mantras'

'I understand you like one night stands. Feel free to stand out there in the hall all night.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Always Compatible

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"We'll always hate Paris."

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'