Meeting Cynic Gifts

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Famous Oxymorons...

Someday

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Gullibility Test $1.00.

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

Will Self deprecation

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

Obama builds own gallows.

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'

'That's it?'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).