Cupid Cynic Gifts

"I was an incurable romantic until I met Martha's divorce lawyer."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

Always Compatible

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

"You know as well as I do, love is just another word for offshore investments."

'It's just a male thing - none of them can feign passion beyond the event horizon.'

Love Then and Now

'And will you take this man to the cleaners....'

'I know I said you could take me home but I didn't mean to your place!'

"Of course, your case against him would be a lot stronger if you had made him sign a pre-peccadillo agreement."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

Bush vs. America

Obama builds own gallows.