Cynical Cupid Gifts

'It would never work for us. I'll never be able to hate you as much as your wife does.'

Valentine's roses $59.99- Feb.15th- $12.99.

Boycott datingsite.com

"Will you stop doing that please? Isn't it obvious to you that I just don't fancy him?!"

"You know as well as I do, love is just another word for offshore investments."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Will Self deprecation

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

Suggestions Get Shredded.

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

'That's it?'

"There's a customer-satisfaction questionnaire for you to fill out and for us to not look at and immediately throw away."

'Psst, Senator, not that one -- that's your HIDDEN agenda!'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'

"The only reason I would take a job in government is to write a tell-all book!"

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

The bipartisan election cycle: 'Every 2 years without fail, I perform my patriotic duty and vote the bums out.'

"...and, if elected, I promise never to tell another lie...oh, there I go again!"