Valentine's Cynic Gifts

Valentines Love Hearts - Covid 19 edition.

'Sometimes I feel like people send me Valentine's Day cards just to TICK ME OFF!!'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Always Compatible

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"With great power comes great reward."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"We'll always hate Paris."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."