Valentine's Cynic Gifts

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

Always Compatible

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"With great power comes great reward."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"We'll always hate Paris."

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

Suggestions Get Shredded.

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, for whatever that's worth these days.'