Valentine's Skeptics Gifts

Valentine's Day.

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'I'm looking for a card that says if I didn't get you this, I'd never hear the end of it.'

"Till death us do part? Don't be so bloody morbid!"

Cupid misses his shot.

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

'I got you 10 roses. I believe strong relationships are based on the metric system.'

"It's a beautiful ring. She'll definitely pause for a moment before saying no."

'Love gets the credit, but business makes the world go round.'

'I can't believe she married the prince after only one date.'

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

Yes, but.

'You remind me of my ex-ex-ex.'

"If only I liked you a little more and you liked like me a little less."

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

Cupid's Valentine

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

'Are you ready to get hurt again?'

"I never get a girls name tattooed on a first date."

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"I never knew what love was until you came along and explained it to me."

'No wonder the divorce rate is so high!'

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."

"He's falsified data, he's falsified results...and now he says he loves me."

"It would never work out- we're from two totally different tiers of the upper middle class."