Valentine's Day Cynic Gifts

"There's a twenty in it for you if you just keep moving."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"The TV remote? So, I decide what we watch tonight?"

Couple melting the snow around them.

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

Always Compatible

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"With great power comes great reward."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Cupid and parachutists.

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"We'll always hate Paris."

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'