Valentine's Day Cynic T-Shirts

"There's a twenty in it for you if you just keep moving."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"The TV remote? So, I decide what we watch tonight?"

Couple melting the snow around them.

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

Always Compatible

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

"With great power comes great reward."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Cupid and parachutists.

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"We'll always hate Paris."

Valentines Love Hearts - Covid 19 edition.

"Bad Dog!!! You can't trust those chocolate labs."

Suggestions Get Shredded.

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."