Modern Love Cynic T-Shirts

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

Just married and Just Single and Happy.

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

Always Compatible

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"I said, 'You must be waiting for 'Mr. Right,' too.'"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

Our love is strong, but it's our mutual dislikes that really keep us together.

"He was a grouch when I met him. It was love at first gripe."

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"We'll make your wedding reception perfect, and don't forget you get a money-saving coupon for any future divorce parties."

'If you're using this for research into your next book then you can sleep in the spare room!'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'...and do you take this pre-nup...?'

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

'I've been faking orgasms while he's been faking the long-term relationship.'

"We'll always hate Paris."

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

'Yeah, I think we have a future together. Would I write you a post-dated check for my half of the dinner if I didn't?'

The Devil breaking up with girlfriend, says: 'It's not you, it's me.'

"Yes, Myra, I do still love you. What I don't love, however, is this exit poll every damned morning."