Cynical Realist Gifts

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

'I always vote for the candidate I think will do the least damage.'

'Of course you realize; Grizwell's now honor bound to give us the raise we've asked for.'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

Targets

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Will Self deprecation

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"If the press brings up your past just double down on 'The sky is falling!'."

Dirty Tricks Dept.

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"He's been up all night and fell asleep at the wheel."

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.