Cynical Soulmate Gifts

"I now pronounce you Man and Wife. My sincerest condolences to you both."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"Out of all your 277 passwords, not once did you use my name. Are you losing feelings for me?"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

The finer points of marriage.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

Will Self deprecation

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

'That's it?'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

"I have nothing to hide."

"This looks cool, Mum, a university offering a degree course in Greed."

Playing Footsies.

"I've never hated Christmas, just people."

Robert Macaire recieving expensive gifts from his love

'There's always a catch'

"...and, if elected, I promise never to tell another lie...oh, there I go again!"

'According to the voice-stress analyzer, he's not going to lower taxes.'

'I suffer. What do you do?'

"Our curriculum focusses less on rote memorization and more on putzing around."

Would you like it engraved? Yes please put to my one and only love. That way if we break up and she throws it back at me, I can use it on someone else.

"Why do you hate leap years?"

CONGRESS, 'You don't have to fool all of the people all of the time -- you just have to fool the press!'

Doomsdayers recycle pamphlets in case they are wrong.

Finally, A Real Honest Politician: '...And I think you should elect me because I'm nothing but a big, fat liar!'