Cynical Soulmate Pillows

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"Out of all your 277 passwords, not once did you use my name. Are you losing feelings for me?"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

The finer points of marriage.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

Will Self deprecation

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

'That's it?'

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

"I have nothing to hide."

"...and, if elected, I promise never to tell another lie...oh, there I go again!"

Playing Footsies.

'According to the voice-stress analyzer, he's not going to lower taxes.'

Robert Macaire recieving expensive gifts from his love

"This looks cool, Mum, a university offering a degree course in Greed."

"I've never hated Christmas, just people."

'I suffer. What do you do?'

"Our curriculum focusses less on rote memorization and more on putzing around."

CONGRESS, 'You don't have to fool all of the people all of the time -- you just have to fool the press!'

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

Would you like it engraved? Yes please put to my one and only love. That way if we break up and she throws it back at me, I can use it on someone else.

"It's not your heart, JD-you don't have one."

"Why do you hate leap years?"

Finally, A Real Honest Politician: '...And I think you should elect me because I'm nothing but a big, fat liar!'