Cynical Soul Pillows

"I'm not sure the positive thinking course had the desired effect."

"It's just that I'm more of a 'fade, weep, disengage' kind of person."

The Cynics.

The Zoo.

'The Questioner'

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

Someday

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Famous Oxymorons...

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

"I now pronounce you Man and Wife. My sincerest condolences to you both."

Gullibility Test $1.00.

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"What does it all mean?"

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Will Self deprecation

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"