Sarcastic Soulmate Pillows

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You'll do."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"I'm not whining."

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"