Sarcastic Lover Pillows

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

"You'll do."

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

Know-it-alls

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"I'm not whining."

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.