Sarcastic Remark Lover Pillows

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"I love these old decorations!"

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'You seem rather ungrateful Mr. Jenkins. This new drug means you'll never have hayfever again.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Exit Next Left

Prepare to meet thy mechanic.

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

Have you got your make up on yet?

'It's new from British Telecom...a telephone ignoring machine.'

"Great coffee, Carole."

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

Restaurant. One thing you can still get for a single dollar is the waiter's opinion of you.

'No way Doug! You can not stick it to the man in new season, smart casual menswear!'

'You've got the wrong idiot, number.'

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."

'Does anyone else have any complaints?'