Sarcastic Repartee Lover Pillows

"I'm at my wits end."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

How About Serving Us For a Change

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"You'll do."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

Know-it-alls

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'

Ok, I know a sarcastic slow clap when I hear one.

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

'We may have found the guy who invented dynamite.'

'Hey, Henderson, still got your brains in your butt? Ha! Ha!'

'Why so early?'

'True but only in practice, not in principle.'

'Your Mother's lips haven't touched each other in 45 years!'

'Oh well, there's always Photoshop!'

Is my driving p***ing you off yet?

"God, I'll never eat another hot dog again after seeing how they're made!"

"Joey, can you help me out here?"

"Climate change? That's about as likely as a meteorite..."