Sarcastic Partner Pillows

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

"No, I didn't fake it last night. I really was asleep"

"I almost didn't recognize him with that sheet over his face instead of a newspaper."

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

Didn't we fire you last week?

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"I should've done this years ago. All the good ones got taken."

'Hey, Henderson, still got your brains in your butt? Ha! Ha!'

Oh, for Pete's sake take some this medicine. You're useless, but at least it will make your COUGH more productive!

'Sorry, dear, but upon advice from my attorney, I decline to give you an opinion on your Creamed Tarragon Flounder.'

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

'Your Mother's lips haven't touched each other in 45 years!'

"I think I'd be better at leading if I could yell louder."

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

"You should have called me earlier."

"I'm at my wits end."

"I'm weaning Bob from the TV. That's a placebo remote."