Sarcastic Friends Pillows

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

'Tap water?! As if.'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"See that yard with the garden gnomes and the idiot waxing his Nissan Cube? That's your bathroom."

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

'Get me everything on scapegoats.'

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"It's okay mate, I only need the cork from your bottle."

'Excuse me - could you please get out of my way - I've got a baby.'

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

Food left unattended will be eaten by waiter.

"Thanks for your meaningful application. When can you start?"

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

"So, we've processed your loan application and I'm afraid that it doesn't look too promising!"

'You have to get out more and meet new people you can find fault with.'