Sarcastic Sympathizers Pillows

'He's consoling his debts.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

The First Fire Stick

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'great win, kids! Let's celebrate... My treat!!'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

'Tap water?! As if.'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'Hey, I know how to stop famine and poverty! Let's have lunch and after that, we go on making money!'

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

Hang In There, Baby!

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

"Dad, I'm nearly eighteen. I'm old enough to get divorce if I want"

'Like it'll do any good.'

I wish I never had to ride on another bus for as long as I live. Is there a Greek God of cabs I can pray to? I think his name is "Hackus." Bus.

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"