Sarcastic Speaker Pillows

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

The First Fire Stick

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

The canteen food's pretty awful...

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19

'Hey, I know how to stop famine and poverty! Let's have lunch and after that, we go on making money!'

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

Robot Bombs: A One Time Thing, Right?

Less than Ultimate Fighting.

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

"The end of my patience is near!"