Sarcastic Leader Pillows

'I'd fire you, but anticipating your next blunder really keeps the company jazzed.'

"I think I'd be better at leading if I could yell louder."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

The First Fire Stick

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"How about fashionably never?"

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

"Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? It's months away." "Exactly." "A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date." "A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion." "Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels." "A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

'Tap water?! As if.'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."