Sarcastic Leader Pillows

'I'd fire you, but anticipating your next blunder really keeps the company jazzed.'

"I think I'd be better at leading if I could yell louder."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

The First Fire Stick

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"Armstrong, why do we have Fourth of July decorations up? It's months away." "Exactly." "A true patriot loves his country regardless of the date." "A true patriot celebrates the founding of our corporatocracy every single day of the year, minion." "Some of the decorations are smeared with coffee grounds and banana peels." "A true patriot knows that one cafe's dumpster is another cafe's treasure."

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

'If you can't beat 'em join 'em.'

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"How about fashionably never?"

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

'Tap water?! As if.'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'