Sarcastic Professional Pillows

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

The First Fire Stick

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Can't you just troll me?"

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"I'm not whining."

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."