Sarcastic Conversationalist Pillows

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'I want to cancel my subscription to the world wildlife fund.'

"I think we should start making commitments to other people we can't keep."

'When I said I'd kill for a fag. . .'

"Baldo, I'm thinking of limiting your cell phone use."

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

"For God's sake Kingston, the patient clapped - what more do you want?"

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Exciting potato bugs.

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

Redhead

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

'He lost his whistle,'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

Less than Ultimate Fighting.

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."