Sarcastic Conversationalist Pillows

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'I want to cancel my subscription to the world wildlife fund.'

"I think we should start making commitments to other people we can't keep."

'When I said I'd kill for a fag. . .'

"Baldo, I'm thinking of limiting your cell phone use."

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

"For God's sake Kingston, the patient clapped - what more do you want?"

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

Redhead

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'He lost his whistle,'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

Less than Ultimate Fighting.