Sarcastic Storyteller Pillows

'Stupid woman - of course I watch television, what else are you supposed to do with it???'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'I like tennis - I've always been into mixed doubles.'

"I assume this is about a raise, Winslow."

'Don't forget the last time we did this it tuned out to be some real estate promotion.'

Positions for 'Asskissers'.

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

'Thanks for walking me home, but as the restaurant was five miles away a taxi might have been nice.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'Thank you for attending the interview Mr Jones. And if we do ever have a vacancy for a no-hoper, I'll be in touch.'

'Wow. .. The only way that could possibly get any worse, is if you put the wrapping paper inside the box.'

"Has anyone heard from Stan since he went to the market?"

"No, mom, you specifically said for me to get everything off the floor!"

"How did the rest of the team respond to your promotion?"

'I've always been a man who admits his mistakes. Wait...who am I kidding? It's your fault.'

'Police! Snow White we have complaints about your relationship with 'Grumpy', and one 'Dopey' some ten years ago.'

"Funny how you get a bigger buzz selling crap!"

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

"Remember how I told you to regard this company as family when we hired you? Prepare for some serious familial dysfunction."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"You really should take some art classes. That doesn't look anything like me."

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."

"But make of it what you will, for I am but a beast cloaked in man flesh."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"That's what I mean by, 'You're the most inept boss I've ever worked for.'"

The Old School Tie.

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

Real Life Bookshop.

'He sort of grows on you, I suppose.' - 'Like warts.'

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

Less than Ultimate Fighting.

"I wanted to be there for you growing up, I really did. But I got a foot cramp. And then a thing came up at the store-anyway, you understand."