Sarcastic Storytellers Pillows

'Oh, yeah, they take you in, dress you up and make a big fuss over you...then one day, you're out on the curb waiting for the wood chipper!'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Redhead

"Ever since the layoffs, I feel like we've been doing the work of twenty clowns."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

'He lost his whistle,'

Drone Baby Delivery

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

The canteen food's pretty awful...

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"First of all, I'd like to thank all of the little pumpkins who made this night possible."

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."