Sarcastic Storytellers Gifts

'Oh, yeah, they take you in, dress you up and make a big fuss over you...then one day, you're out on the curb waiting for the wood chipper!'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Exciting potato bugs.

Redhead

"Ever since the layoffs, I feel like we've been doing the work of twenty clowns."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

Drone Baby Delivery

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'He lost his whistle,'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"First of all, I'd like to thank all of the little pumpkins who made this night possible."

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'