Sarcastic Wit Gifts

"Expressions of support for your attempted suicide keep pouring in."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I don't know anything about politics or foreign relations, but I do know that Madelyn Albright's a babe."

'Would a motorist be up for damages? Not unless he had his car with him.'

Men Not Working.

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Exciting potato bugs.

Redhead

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'He lost his whistle,'

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.