Sarcastic Wit Appreciator Gifts

Dear Uncle Drosselmeyer, thanks for the cool nutcracker...

"It must be tobacco plant, dad was a heavy smoker."

Life is short. And then you die. Did I leave anything out? A lingering illness?

I've been studying reverse psychology at Tonga Tech online university. Seriously? Nobody's going to go to a psychologist who's got a diploma from some random online college. And psychologists have to have a whole arsenal of treatments. They can't just use reverse psychology for everything. So what you're reverse-saying is, I'll be sought-after and highly effective. No, that's ... ok, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

"Nice crowd, but where the f*ck is Phil?"

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'I don't have any specific complaints -- could I just stand here and moan a little?'

"I agree, Maria, it does seem like one big romantic TV Christmas movie. But, unfortunately, this is where I must kill you."

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Pharaoh Cocoon

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I always try to give out at least one genuine compliment per day. I don't always succeed."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"This cheap can of domestic beer has a bouquet reminiscent of...beer."

"Nice haircut."

'You don't have the muscles to buy a muscle car, dear.'

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

A recent study found that scarecrows now actually attract birds. Experts blame it on millions of littering slobs.

'I'm taking vacation next week. And wouldn't you know it, the wife wants to go on a cruise.'

"Since I've gone over to roll-ups I find I can get by on just one cigarette a day!"

'They are boneless, I didn't say anything about beaks.'

"I got the promotion. Instead of Wednesdays, I'm now the one who gets blamed when things go wrong on Tuesdays."

"Now, to continue our argument before we were interrupted..."

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

'It's a soothing sounds machine. Spring Rain, Summer Breeze, and Fall School Bus.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"